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What Charlie Sheen, Bernie Madoff and Smashing have in common

March 7, 2011

It’s launch week.  And we are beginning to  look more and more like a VH1 special “behind the music” than a multi-million dollar company.  Here is how I’m bound to end up behind bars by the end of the week….

It all started when they put me in charge of inventory and web sales.  Who puts a marketing person in charge of something important?!?  Of course, JD has many complicated forms with more columns, columns within columns, and columns within columns within columns.  I sit there with a smile on my face nodding like a bobble head, but clearly not comprehending.    Ace decides to help me out by making a form with each piece of inventory as a big uncolored dot.  When we sell one, I get to color it in.  The best part, I can use any color crayon I want!  Score.

Now I filled in all the dots for one of the items, which means we are out of inventory (see, I’m a quick learner).  So I let “Super Factory Girl” (aka, JD) know so she can sweet talk the factory into making more items quick, since we launch, well, tomorrow!  (btw, don’t you think Super Factory Girl is a better moniker than JD?  imagine the blue cape, red thigh high patent leather boots — much better)

SFG marks the item out of stock on the website (which launches tomorrow).

“What are you doing?” I ask

“We don’t have any inventory left,” SFG says

“According to my dots we are fine.  Some of those dots are for orders due 4/1, it’s 3 weeks away — we’ll sell their inventory.”

SFG is suspicious. She has all these questions which are non-essential to a marketing/sales person and says this is looking like a Bernie Madoff solution.

Please.  This is nothing like Bernie Madoff’s practices.  He didn’t have dots.  We have dots.

Well we did, until I lost them.

I start looking around, asking the kids, “Have you seen the dots?”  They look at me like I’m crazy.  I ask my husband and when he doesn’t answer right away, I grab him by the shirt collar and say,” Where are the dots?  I need the dots!!”  He has (a) no idea what the dots are (b) no idea where to get dots and (c) is slightly nervous that my eyes resemble Charlie Sheen’s now.  He starts searching for the number to the Betty Ford Clinic.

As I continue to frantically look for the dots, I hear my husband on the phone saying something about “ODing” — I yell, “I’m not on anything.  I’m on Smashing.”  At this point my face starts to melt off (just like Charlie!).

I found the dots — everything is fine again.  Luckily, only half my face melted.

Now I need to know how we are shipping.  USPS? UPS? FedEx? Carrier Pigeon?  SFG tells me USPS.  This concerns me as I picture myself standing in line at the post office every evening waiting to ship thousands of orders.  SFG says I don’t have to do that.  I just leave everything at the mailbox and the mail carrier gives me a bill the next day.  That’s why it was good I gave him a big holiday tip.

Wait.  Rewind.  What’s that?  I thought you aren’t allowed to tip mail carriers.  Isn’t that against the law?  SFG says that everyone does it.  Ok, someone needs to write a book detailing all the laws and then what people are actually doing.

With my luck, I’ll go out on Monday with my mail carrier’s “St Patrick’s Day” bonus and he will actually be an undercover cop.  That in combination with my glassy-eyed, face half melted look and mumbling about dots,  I’m sure they will take me right into the station.  (good thing I didn’t use that bond card at the PGA Show)

Now I don’t want any of you to worry.  Everything is under control here at web sales headquarters.  So go out there and order like crazy tomorrow.  Put 1,000s of items in your shopping cart.  All is fine.  The dots say so.

2011 Copyright Smashing LLC 2011 Copyright smashingonline.wordpress.com

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. March 7, 2011 6:40 am

    This is why a cloud spreadsheet is a much better system than color a dot on construction paper system! Guess I will have to slowly ease you in to the cool inventory systems I’m testing.

    PS For the love of god, can we all use the Smashing google calendar I’ve set up – I’m going to scream at the next time someone sends an email asking when something is – it should be on our calendar?!?

  2. Spinner permalink
    March 7, 2011 6:53 am

    new system?!? I just bought the big box of crayons from Crayola!

    ps– calendar is all updated

  3. March 7, 2011 7:35 am

    PS Make sure you don’t give you mailman cash – that’s the part that’s frowned upon, but gift cards are OK, or homemade cookies, bottle of wine, or better all of the above!

  4. Robyn Anglebrandt permalink
    March 7, 2011 7:59 am

    I love the new title on the page…the script is perfect too. You all are doing such a wonderful job …Good luck tomorrow and Can’t wait to hear big things for you all! R~

  5. Spinner permalink
    March 7, 2011 8:22 am

    Thanks Robyn. My crayons are poised and ready!

  6. Jim & Karen permalink
    March 7, 2011 1:24 pm

    Best of luck on the launch.Sales drive a business, the dots will take care of themselves. That’s assuming SFG takes care of the factory.Love the blog.

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