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Murder in the Marketing Department

April 24, 2011

Customer Service is very important.   It is so important that we have made it one of the cornerstones here at Smashing Golf & Tennis, Fashion that Performs, free shipping extended.  However, it was the customer service at a popular social networking site that put into motion the “MURDER IN THE MARKETING DEPARTMENT.” (cue lightening strike and evil “da da dannnn” music)

It was a bright, crisp Spring day when Spinner logged onto her L account (per legal, I’m not allowed to mention the popular business networking social media site by name. since I’m already in the doghouse with my upcoming murder trial, I decided to oblige) .  After bypassing the endless streams of people requesting her friendship, even though she had no idea who they were or why they all sported toothless grins, she went to update her company page.  To her surprise, SFG had awoken at the wee hours of the morning and had already made the necessary changes, all that was left was for Spinner was to relink the page to her own.  And that is when the clouds moved in…

(cue music: da da dannnnn)

Spinner attempted endless times to relink the new company page — but was denied at every turn.  Spinner’s never-ceasing imagination began to swirl out of control — “Is there a coup?” “A hostile take over in the works?”  She knew she needed to act fast.

Spinner shot off (pun intended) a quick email to L customer service about the problem.  She waited 24 hours, but still no response.

Spinner then told SFG about the issue.  After looking into it, SFG discovered the problem, there was an imposter Spinner claiming rights to Smashing Golf & Tennis, Fashion that Performs, free shipping extended!

(cue lightening, blood curling screams, fade to black and of course more music)

What?!  A second Spinner?  Can the world really handle a second Spinner?  And more importantly, did  this second Spinner put in any upstart cash? (Because if she did, we might just let her be.)

Spinner #1 writes an email to L customer service: “There are 2 Spinner accounts.  Can you please cancel Spinner #2? Thank you.”

After waiting countless hours, L customer service replies:  “We are unable to cancel Spinner #2 account.  We require more information and need a reason code to send to Spinner #2 contacts.”

Ok, seriously.  “A reason to send to contacts?!?”  What is this Hallmark?  Send flowers, they’ll get over it.

So I send over another email explaining it is actually the SAME PERSON and somehow I must have created 2 accounts.  Of course, Spinner account #1 is 100% finished, pic and all.  Spinner #2 account doesn’t have a pic or any experience, except the fact that she is Managing Partner of Smashing Golf & Tennis, Fashion that Performs, free shipping extended!

After countless emails, L customer service said no dice.  Spinner #2 is heir to the Smashing Golf & Tennis, Fashion that Performs, free shipping extended, fortune.  Me? I’m left with a cute pic.

They say the truth will set you free.  However the truth seemed to be getting me nowhere.  Since I couldn’t reach my hands through the computer to strangle the customer service rep, I took matters into my own hands.  Spinner #2 needed to go……

So instead of approaching the problem as most would do, firing off another 3,000 emails to get the matter cleared up.  I decided to try and solve the problem, with a little shock value.  I mean who doesn’t love a good murder story?!?  So I wrote:

It was a dark stormy night, when Spinner #1 walked into the one BMW club.  She immediately heard the shrill laughter of Spinner #2 and seeing the glass ring on the bar, that smelled suspiciously of Vodka and regular tonic, she knew Spinner #2 was near.  Spinner #1 found her bragging about the upcoming fall line and the incredible sweater that was designed by a Ralph Lauren designer exclusively for Smashing Golf & Tennis, Fashion that Performs, free shipping extended. That was the last straw.  Spinner #1 hit Spinner #2 over the head with a roll of bias tape, Spinner #2 fell to the ground spilling her vodka and regular tonic (seriously, regular tonic?  don’t you know how much sugar is in that?!).  The fall color card flew to the air, but Spinner #1 caught it before it landed in the pool of regular tonic (can’t afford to make another one of those).  And that was the end of the evil Spinner #2.

I was pretty happy with this email and sure that this would clear up matters, if not land me a writing part on 30 Rock.

L customer service replied, “Upon further review, both Spinner accounts are being suspended.”

Well, that’s just great.  Because now I have to create Spinner account #3

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