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Going Postal in the Library with a Blender

May 22, 2011

It started with an email from an editor needing samples ASAP.  It ended with me ordering a $1,000 blender.

A national publication is getting ready to feature us in an upcoming issue and wanted to shoot some samples.  Of course, everything is needed ASAP in the publishing world.  For a small business, shipping ASAP means”Assume Salaries Aren’t Possible.”  So I research our shipping options.  UPS, which we use for our consumer orders, is great but definitely pricy.  USPS was half the price.

So against my better judgment, and every inkling in my body, I decided to ship with USPS.

The next day, after a particularly stellar meeting with a client, I get a frantic email. “We still have not received the samples.  Please advise.”

I now have a pit in my stomach.

I call the phone number on the delivery slip and get an automated recording.  (I sincerely think the reason why there is more rage in the world, is not due to increased stressors in life, but due to the fact that we always must talk to automated recordings!!)

I don’t wait for the prompts, but rather immediately say, “Representative.”

“I’m sorry.  We don’t understand your request.  Please try again.”

“Representative.” I say in a tight, controlled voice

“I’m sorry.  We don’t understand your request.  Please try again.”


“I’m sorry we cannot assist you at this time.  Good bye.”


I decide that I need to enact some of those calming techniques before the next round with the computer voice.  I count to ten and then start making a frozen margarita (I mean it’s almost noon … somewhere).  I get out the ingredients, squeeze the limes, and then go to get out the blender.  Oh no.  I forgot that I broke the blender earlier in the week.  It is a long story involving flying cutlery and a newly decorated pink polka dot kitchen.

While I think it is too early for the hard stuff, it is certainly desperate times.   I look for the diet tonic.  And then I realize I’m out.

OMG, did the rapture already happen?!?  Have I been left behind?!?!  Because I am clearly in HELL!

I lace up the gloves and call the automated message again.  This time I say very politely, in a voice so sweet it would give you cavities, “Representative please.”

“Please hold, while we connect your call.”

Jackpot.  Well almost.

I explain in a calm voice about how the package that I paid for to be delivered at 12noon, has still not arrived.  She looks in her system and says it was delivered.  I ask for the signature, since I explicitly asked for that.  She calls and finds out the postal delivery person is “missing.”  This concerns me.  Has harm come to him or did he find a blender?

She gives me the number of a dispatch office to call for more information.

Ok, the samples are scheduled to be shot in T-minus 1 hour and we are no closer to uncovering where the samples are.  I’m getting more agitated.

I call the district number and am again greeted by my arch-nemisis the automated recording.

“Representative.” I say

“I’m sorry.  We don’t understand your request.  Please try again.”


“I’m sorry we cannot assist you at this time.  Good bye.”

Will I ever learn?

Now my face has turned from a “beet red” to a “don’t mess with me purple.”

I call again.

“Representative please.” In my cavity inducing voice

“Please hold, while we connect your call.”

I explain the situation to the district manager.  She tells me she has no further info than what I have already received and that they were delivered at 9:30am.  I ask for the signature, and she says they are having a hard time locating the worker.

I say, “You need to find the worker.  It has taken me months to secure this space and I’m not having it ruined because I DON’T HAVE A BLENDER.” uh, wait…

Obviously the worker is a fellow margarita fan, as she was able to track down the worker who insisted it was delivered.  She says, “Have they checked the mailroom?”

I chuckle, my sarcastic chuckle, and say, “Of course they checked the mailroom.” (they did, right?)

I email the editor and say “It was delivered at 9:30.  I will get a signature momentarily.  In the meantime, can you recheck with the mailroom to see if it is there?”

Two minutes later I get an email from the editor, “Found it!!  It was in the mailroom.  Thanks again.”

I’m going to need that industrial size blender……

2011 Copyright Smashing LLC 2011 Copyright


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