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Smashing’s Newest Arrival?

December 12, 2012

baby-showerWe had a busy weekend of holiday parties, and after being sick most of this past week, I was looking forward to returning to the land of the living.

The biggest decision before any holiday party is the one of what to wear.  Now I am a classic over-dresser.  I love to dress-up and believe it is better to be over dressed than under, and so every holiday party I often show up in some form-fitting dress.  This Saturday night however, I strayed from my usual fashion sense and oped for skinny black pants, thigh high boots and a metallic oversized sweater.  It is this fashion choice that I believe led to the party in the bathroom later in the evening with EPT.

HOLIDAY RULE #1:  When you wear an oversized sweater to a holiday function, people will assume you are hiding something (ie, your pregnancy bulge)

Many friends asked where my holiday dress was and I would answer it was too cold for the one shoulder look and so was rockin boots instead.  This was apparently too big a departure from my usual fashion sense, and so they were skeptical that weather was the only variable causing me to wear a loose, baggy sweater.

I tried to protest, “Would a pregnant woman wear thigh high boots?”

But as if on cue, a pregnant woman waddled in wearing leggings, a sweater and boots (they weren’t thigh high, but the outfit was suspiciously close to mine).

“Seriously?” I say and roll my eyes.  You have to laugh sometimes at the comedic timing of fate.

My friends just gave a tilt of their heads and had the slightest smirk.  You know the one that says, “Come on, I’ve been there before. I know that you are preggers and I am sooo happy it’s you and not me.”

“Seriously, I’m not pregnant,” I say as I nearly spill my Diet Coke as I wave my hands in protest.  Which leads me to point #2….

HOLIDAY RULE #2:  If you are not going to drink alcohol, make sure your drink looks like a mixed drink or people will assume you are pregnant

Having just recovered from the flu, I decided I should be sipping soda instead of vodka Saturday evening.  Had I been dressed in my form-fitting dress, that might have worked, but the oversized sweater? (which I’m burning immediately by the way).  This was just another part of the equation

DIET SODA + OVERSIZED SWEATER = PREGNANCY RUMORS

As more and more people noticed, dates of when to have the baby shower were being thrown around.  The more I rolled my eyes and protested, the more they gave their knowing smirks and patted my hand in sympathy.  I decided I needed to offer concrete evidence and so offered that my girlfriends come into the bathroom with me while I peed on a stick.   No one took me up on this, as this was not an actual episode of Friends.

HOLIDAY RULE #3: If you are recovering from the flu, you should stay home and rest in case you are still sick and puke at the party (because then they will think you are pregnant)

While half the party was busy deciding on a date for my shower, I was trying to sneak into another conversation.  In the middle of one of the ladies stories, I yell out, “Oh no, I’m going to be sick!” and run to the bathroom as quick as Usain Bolt.

At this point one of my friends goes over and taps my husband’s shoulder and says that his pregnant wife doesn’t feel well and should probably go home and rest.

Confused at many different points of this sentence, he comes to the door of the bathroom and asks if I’m ok.  All he can hear is the faint whisper of me saying, “mistletoe. ..mistletoe.” (hey, if it’s a good enough code word for Vaughn/Witherspoon it’s good enough for us)

On the way home I notice my husband is suspiciously quiet and his hands are protectively at the 10 and 2 position on the wheel, I ask what is wrong.  He takes a moment and then looks at me and says, “Are you pregnant?”

O..M..G!!

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